iambatman373
by anakinlove
Summary: Batman has a facebook?


Dick was lying on his belly, kicking his legs up in the air. He had a computer in front of him and was typing away diligently. "Is that homework?" Batman asked absentmindedly. He was in the batcave with Dick. Alfred was having his once a year find and destroy cleaning session and had ordered them out of the house and into the cave.

Bruce had been reluctant and had tried desperately to hide a few of his favorite items before Alfred could get to them, but had only managed one or two in odd places he knew the butler had already cleaned. Dick knew Alfred would probably find them anyway. He had decided just to lay down to the fact that his own stuff was gone. Bruce Wayne was Batman. Bruce Wayne would not.

"No", Dick replied, "just e-mailing Roy." Batman nodded. He would have rather Dick had been working on homework, but the boy knew where his favorite pair of ripped jeans was stashed so he decided it was best to let him do whatever he wanted for now.

"Hey Batman", Dick said offhandedly, "can I have a Facebook?"

"What do you need a Facebook for?" Batman asked.

"Its easier then e-mailing", Dick replied, "please."

"No", said Batman.

"Why not?" Dick asked, "all my friends have them."

"No", said Batman, "you're not getting a Facebook."

"But I really want one", Dick said.

"No", said Batman.

"I hate you", Dick said angrily.

"That's fine", Batman replied. "Go join the club, there are lots of people who do."

"I'm just gonna…" Dick tried to think of something he could threaten Batman with, "go kill myself. Yea, I am."

"Go ahead", Batman said, "you know where the battle axes are kept. Ohh, but try not to get blood on the batmobile, I just repainted it." Dick groaned angrily.

"Fine", he said. "How about I…" Suddenly, a wicked grin crossed Dick's face. "Alfred", he yelled. Batman froze. Dick started to ascend the stairs.

"You wouldn't", Batman said, eyes narrowing.

"Ohh", Dick replied, "but I would. Alfred!" Batman got up and Dick started to run. Alfred, he screamed as he ran. He got to the top of the stairs, but Bruce was hot his heels. "Alfred", Dick screamed at the top of his lungs, "Bruce's jeans, they're in the pot by the wine cellar." Bruce grabbed him and started to drag him down the stairs. "No", Dick screamed. Alfred came over.

"What was that sir?" he asked.

"Bruce's jeans", Dick gasped as he held onto the top steps by his fingertips. Bruce had his legs and was pulling as hard as he could to get him down the stairs. "Pot", Dick yelled, "wine cellar." That was right before they both toppled down the stairs.

"Thank you sir", Alfred called down after them.

Bruce untangled himself from Dick and scrambled back up the stairs screaming, "No Alfred no, don't touch those." Dick snickered.

000000

Dick was on his cell phone in his room. He had been banished there after Alfred had burned Bruce's jeans in the fireplace. Bruce was extremely displeased. "Yea Roy, he totally said no. What about Ollie?"

"Him too", Roy replied glumly on the other end of the line. "They are so old fashioned. Ollie got into the whole tirade about how he didn't have a Facebook when he was young and blah, blah, blah."

"You're lucky Roy", Dick said, "Bruce didn't even give me a speech at all, he just said no."

"Well", said Roy, "we could always just make some anyway."

"Naw", Dick said, "Bruce would just track me down. He's such a freken' stalker and all. But wait, I have an idea."

"What", Roy asked.

"Why don't we set up Facebook's for Batman and Green Arrow."

"What would that do?" Roy asked, "Arrow would just get to talk and I wouldn't. That would make me feel even worse that that old dishtowel had a bunch of electronic friends and I didn't."

"Well", said Dick, "we don't actually have to tell them that we made them, do we? We could just, you know, Facebook in their absence. They're so busy; they don't have time to manage their own accounts, so why don't we manage them for them?" Roy giggled wickedly.

"Yes", he said, "lets do it."

0000000

A few weeks later, Robin was on the Bat computer, on Facebook. He was replying to one of Speedy's posts. He was just about to type the last word when he heard a loud, "A hah." Robin gave a shriek of fear and surprise and toppled out of his chair. He lay on the ground groaning.

"Don't do that Batman, gee."

"I knew you made yourself a Facebook because you didn't bring the matter back up", Batman said, triumphantly, "Richard Grayson, you are in so much trouble."

"But", said Robin, "I didn't make myself a Facebook."

"What are you talking about?" Batman asked, "I can see your Facebook right in front of me."

"That's not my Facebook", Robin said.

"Ohh", said Batman, "and who's Facebook might it be?"

"It's yours", Robin said.

"What", Batman asked incredulously.

"Yea", said Robin, "just look." He pointed to the screen where Batman saw his name at the top. Sure enough, it was the username IamBatman373 and had a picture of a bat in the profile picture slot. "I've just been managing it for you", Robin continued, picking himself up off the ground. "It's been two weeks and you already have a million friends, isn't that cool. Green Arrow has one too, but Speedy manages his for him."

Batman looked in awe at the screen. "See", Robin said, "your friends put all sorts of comments on here." He scrolled down the screen. "Here's one from batmanchick273. Batman, I'm going to get you into bed one of these days and when I do we're gona…"

"Well, never mind, lets look at a different comment. Batman, you suck balls, please suck mine. Gross, remind me to take him off your friend list. Ohh, here's a good one. Batman, I hate you. You are the most horrible creature to ever walk the earth and when I get out of Arkham… Ahh, this one's from the penguin."

"Why am I friends with the Penguin?" Batman asked. Robin shrugged.

"I don't know, it seemed like a good idea at the time. See, even the penguin has a Facebook and I _still _don't have one."

"Wait", said Batman, "it says you have pictures on here."

"Yea", said Robin, "but you don't want to see those, they're lame. Let me show you something else. How about your status update. Look, your status is…uhh never mind."

"You put my status as ugly."

"Well, that was last week when you got all those hives on your face. I guess I just forgot to change it."

"No", said Batman, "I want to see the pictures."

"No", said Robin, "n… no you don't."

"Yes", said Batman, "I do." He clicked on the tab. "What the…Robin!" Scattered across the page were random pictures of Robin, showing off his muscles. "Why are there pictures of you here?"

"Well", said Robin, "I figured, you know, since you have so much publicity already, I thought I might give myself some. The people seem to like what they see."

"No wonder all those freken' homo's are posting on here, they probably all think…I mean, with me posting pictures like this of _you_ on my page."

"Ahh", said Robin, "who cares, I just put this together so I could talk to Speedy. I did put some pictures of you on here though." Robin scrolled down the page until he came to a block of Batman pictures.

"See this one is of that time you were stuck in the cave for three days, throwing up after Ivy got you all sick and you had to cram those pills down your throat. Boy, do you look green, leaning over the bat toilet. And this one of last week when you got all those hives from that allergic reaction to that joker gas. Ohh look, I remember, the pedestrian took that one, of me and the Joker falling over each other laughing at you. Ahh, good times. Ohh, and this one is of you sleeping after that long patrol, you know when me and Speedy were over. We kinda, well um, graffitied your face while you were sleeping with some of Wonder girl's makeup. We got it all off before you woke up though."

"These are terrible pictures", Batman said angrily. Robin shrugged.

"But they're funny", he said.

"No", said Batman, "I don't care. You are deleting this account right now."

"Aww", said Robin, "come on Batman."

"No", said Batman, "I don't want embarrassing pictures of myself on the internet and I don't want "friends" leaving comments and I don't want status updates. Get rid of this right now."

Robin gave a few mournful comments and started to refuse, but Batman threw some choice threats at him and Robin reluctantly deleted the account. "Can I please have an account of my own," Robin moaned, "just for Robin, please, please, please." He jumped up on Batman, tugging at his cape hopefully.

Batman gave an enormous groan and said, "Fine, but just for Robin and no pictures of me."

"Yes", Robin said excitedly. He jumped up and down happily and threw him arms around Batman. Batman patted his back, smirking. "Ohh", said Robin, "hold on." He got back onto the computer and started typing.

"What are you doing now?" Batman asked.

"Getting on twitter."

"I never said you could have a twitter", Batman said.

"Ohh", said Robin, "I don't, but you do. I tweet for you. Wow, you got a lot of tweets today. Ohh, look, the Joker tweeted. Did you know you could tweet from Arkham Batman?"

Robin looked up to see Batman frowning, eyelid twitching. "I should start running, shouldn't I", Robin said.

"Yea", said Batman, "and after I kill you, I'm gona kill Speedy." Robin gave a yelp and raced away.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry", he howled as he ran out of the cave and into the bright sunshine, Batman in hot pursuit. Alfred came downstairs a few moments after they had departed with Bruce's Teki head the billionaire had purchased in the canary islands, much to Alfred's dismay. The thing had always scared him so he'd been trying to get rid of it since the day it had entered the house.

"Master Bruce", the butler called tentatively. After waiting a few moments and receiving no reply, he shrugged. "Hmm", he said, "I guess since he's gone, I can throw it out." He walked off humming "What a Wonderful World."


End file.
